When I was 8 years old, I wished the world around me would stop. I harbored so much hatred toward myself back then, and no one knew—not even my family. At that time, I believed the world would be better off without me. But I was wrong; I later realized that was the silliest thought I had ever had. I used to invalidate every emotion I felt because I didn’t know how to process them or how to behave. Everything changed when I entered college. I met so many different people, some of whom taught me how to grow and become a better person, helping shape me into who I am today. Yes, my life changed, and I finally learned to give myself the attention and love I deserve.
But it didn’t stop there. I continued learning how to heal from my traumas, putting in a lot of effort to focus on myself. All I want in this world is to be a kind-hearted person and bring light into others' lives. Healing is like the waves, with its ebbs and flows. Yes, sometimes my trauma resurfaces like a monster, overwhelming me with everything that has happened, but other times I feel healed and able to value myself more. And that’s okay! I accept the entire process. Now, I give myself the respect I deserve. I no longer let others' opinions or assumptions define me. I should be firm in my self-definition. As I turn 26 this month, I can bravely say that I have healed and learned to love myself. I tell my past self, “Ozi, look how far you’ve come. What a long and silent journey, but you made it, right? Chill, bb girl — you’re going to be fine.”
I never regret any of my life decisions or what I’ve been through, because at the time, it was the best I could do. One thing I’ve learned about pain is that we might say we are healed, but the scars remain, making us wiser about what we choose to do in the future.
Reflecting on my difficult childhood memories...
My mother once told me that when she was pregnant with me, she was under a lot of stress. Learning this, I started researching the effects of stress during pregnancy and discovered that it can significantly impact a baby’s mental development. It’s no wonder I felt like there were so many strange things in my mind back then. My mother also mentioned that when I was in kindergarten, she took me to see the school psychologist, but she never shared what the psychologist said about my condition. But that’s okay; life goes on, and now I’m in a better place. One thing I remember from kindergarten is having issues with social interactions. It seemed like I disliked everyone around me. I didn’t respond nicely when my friends greeted me. Lol I’m sorry friends..
The world kept turning, and eventually, I entered elementary school, where I got bullied. My male classmates made fun of my curly hair. I stayed silent, hiding my emotions, or sometimes turned them into expressions of anger. I’m not glorifying my experience with bullying; I just want to emphasize that when we are bullied, especially during our formative years, it can profoundly affect our life’s journey. In my case, it impacted my confidence. Even when my surroundings improved, I still found it hard to believe people whenever I received a compliment. During that difficult time, I didn’t have anyone to talk to, so I kept everything to myself. The worst part was realizing that I had suicidal tendencies. I’m glad I didn’t have the courage to act on them. I don’t hold any hatred toward those who bullied me; I’ve forgiven them. But the hurtful words they used still linger in my mind, humming messily in the background. But look at me now—I’m already healed.
As I mentioned before, my world changed when I went to college. It was the first time I felt like someone who had a lot of potential. I felt seen, heard, and loved—things I never experienced as a child. I can’t thank those people enough (you know who you are). They helped me see myself as someone capable of growth, someone who always wants to learn and become a better person. I didn’t ask for their validation, yet their kindness gave it to me. The validation I received from them helped me tremendously in my healing process. Now, I’ve stopped blaming myself for things that weren’t my fault.
Now, as I turn 26, I’m going to embrace this healed version of myself. I’ve learned to focus on the positive side of things. All of those experiences have taught me a lot, and there’s nothing fruitless about any of the paths I’ve crossed. One of my friends recently noticed that I’m more confident in myself now. So yes, I would say emotional intelligence—or, simply put, emotional security—is the most important thing we should have before moving through any other phase of our lives. I’m incredibly happy to feel healed at this new stage in my life.
Sincerely,
Z
